May 2012
3 posts
Happy Fleet Week
Happy Fleet Week everyone! Some tips!
SAILORS ARE REALLY YOUNG: Seriously. So young that your usual entrees of seduction will not work on them because: they never had the Fisher-Price record player, have no working knowledge of Crystal Pepsi, and if you bring up Double Dare they think it’s an overture for a drinking game of some sort where people end up naked, rather than reminiscing...
Did anyone else...
… …used to go through their parents’ record collection (Peter, Paul, and Mary - check. Original Broadway cast of Gypsy - check. Simon and Garfunkel’s Concert in Central Park - CHECK) , and when finding this think, “WAIT WHAT?! WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?? WHAT KIND OF CRAZY DESSERT-BASED SEXUAL MILIEU WERE MY PARENTS A PART OF BEFORE I WAS BORN? :(“
5 tags
What Your Laundry Day Undies Say About You:
Tiny lacy thong / Not totally sure where I’m ending up after work tonight…
Light pink Hanes that cover your belly button / I might sleep in my retainer on the third sleepover.
Off-brand Spanx / Brunch is my favorite meal!!! J
Bikini Bottoms / I eat cereal for dinner out of a large mixing bowl.
Commando / I always scream out “YOLO!” before making bad decisions!!
October 2009
6 posts
Everytime I come here! Everytime, you two!
Ok, best use of the song from a 90s movie. The ‘omg, this guy is such a baller, I can’t believe what a big tipper he is, and something doesn’t feel quite right but they just set up a whole table for us with a LAMP and everything so I will ignore any misgivings for now since I am way hugely attracted to him” date at the Copa from Goodfellas! Goodnight Banal Fixation readers...
Then He Kissed Me!
Ok, now I must include the best getting ready for a date scene from an 80’s movie. Elisabeth Shue in “Adventures in Babysitting” getting ready for the best night of her life with… Bradley Whitford (Josh Lyman!). What? I know. But aren’t they supposed to be in high school? Of course. Why is he trying so hard to do his best Dylan McKay impression when 90210...
Moonstruck
I love this scene so much. If you have to, you can fast-forward through the first two minutes where she is getting ready for the date. (though that’s what it’s like, ok? well, i usually don’t have wine first. but playing with your shoes and trying on your dress in front of the mirror, yes.) Then they walk back to his place and Nicholas Cage says this on the street: Loretta,...
And I Love Her
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Does this tshirt bulge?
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Just got bangs!
I just got bangs last night! I have been dabbling in a sidebang for years - but this is the first time I have a full on bang. I was a bit worried, but now really like it. However, am paranoid of course. This is who I want to look like with bangs: Zooey Deschanel, and Jenny Lewis, This is who I am hugely afraid of looking like if I am not diligent about blowdrying/hair products: Mo...
You're the only star in the film I never made.
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September 2009
10 posts
Fw: New! Smokin' Hot Meat & Potatoes
Below is a very typical email I received from my Mom just now. There are many notable elements when broken down illustrating exactly why I am, in fact, the way that I am. 1. Receiving an email with “Smokin’ Hot Meat” in the subject title from my 58-year old Mother does not make me flinch at all. Whereas you might assume your Mom’s email account has been hacked, my...
Performing in Don't You Find Us Charming w/...
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Gary Liu = Wilt Chamberlain of Posterous
It has recently been brought to my attention that one of my favorite photographs of all time - i.e. Gary Liu and his err, Pants - has been viewed on the internet almost 35,000 times. That is incredible. Hey, I’m gonna go grab a beer, want one Gary? No? Ok, what about the bulge? He’s set? Ok cool. See you boys later… Posted via email from Banal Fixation | Comment »
Gary Liu = Wilt Chamberlain of Posterous
It has recently come to my attention that one of my favorite photographs of all time - i.e. Gary Liu and his err, Pants - have been viewed on the internet almost 35,000 times. That is incredible. Hey, I’m gonna go grab a beer, want one Gary? No? Ok, what about the bulge? He’s set? Ok cool. See you boys later… Posted via email from Banal Fixation | Comment »
Top 3 Reasons Why I Will Never Be Able to Have Sex...
This has been a banner week of boner-killing revelations and images. It would take a lot of emotionally intense conversations/asking questions about my life/making me laugh (keys to the city boys!) to recover from this. Behold: 1. Mackenzie Phillips + John Phillips revelation. Let’s not ruin this with words. 2. This article about Bernie + Ruth Madoff this morning (via NY Magazine),...
I'm Moe Greene! I made my bones when you were...
My Man (President Barack Obama) is back in New York. What’s on the agenda? Taking in a show? Grabbing a slice? Seeing one of his friends perform in an Off-Off-Off-Off Broadway revue of “It Ain’t Me Babe: The Bob Dylan Spectacular!” No. While I have been deliberating on whether I should make myself a cup of coffee in order to be more productive, Barack Obama has been solving conflict in...
Hey Chil, thanks for sullying a photo of my man....
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Hey Chil, thanks for sullying a photo of my man....
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Meeting at the clock, feels so Catcher in the...
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August 2009
9 posts
Peebeeearrrrr
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LOLROSS
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Zoracle has invaded ny
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Never has my inner life been as well represented...
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Business casual today was inspired by Mich Obama...
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And I want to walk around with you. Just you. Just...
Summertime Clothes by Animal Collective Download now or listen on posterous 04 summertime clothes.mp3 (7137 KB) Posted via email from Banal Fixation | Comment »
Lunchtime!
Me: Hey, have you tried the Chicken Cordon Bleu umm……..(inner monologie: ….. Don’t say Balls right after saying bleu. Don’t say Balls. What’s another word I can use for balls?) …… Coworker: Bites? Me: Yes. They are really good… (walks quickly back to desk) Posted via email from Banal Fixation | Comment »
How perfect a name is this this?
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best walk of shame outfit ever.
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July 2009
6 posts
leilacohan:
purns:
The Contours - Do You Love...
later Jakey, new desktop at work.
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I love Frank McCourt. What's the Gaelic word for...
Over the years I’d run into McCourt periodically and he was always warm and friendly. I last saw him a few months ago at an event he did in Woodstock and when I gave him a copy of Rapture Ready! he held it up for the crowd and beamed, “Former student!” It was perhaps the most rewarding response I’ve had. -Daniel Radosh [via http://www.radosh.net/archive/002717.html] ...
I want to make this my desktop at work, but I feel...
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This is the sweetest form letter I have ever...
From applying for a job online: “…If you are not selected, do not consider it a poor reflection on you; rather, it is an indication that another candidate has skills that better fit the role…” That almost brought tears to my eyes! I KNEW it wasn’t me! It’s just that someone is a better fit for what you want than…I am. So I guess it’s not that...
In Which My Father and I Would Have Both Failed...
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June 2009
4 posts
Lies on all accounts.
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Finally a doll for future progeny, Sophie...
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Pre-partying. Thank god I'm a girl.
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Need new music. What is smthg good like vampire...
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Goodbye to All That.
It’s been two years since I’ve moved to New York from California. I have loved some, lost, wept, felt exhilerating highs, then landed right back where I started. They say wherever you go, there you are. No looking back, eyes ahead. Which I have tried. It is no secret I have taken comfort on many lonesome nights and much too short lunchbreaks in the arms of Chipotle. Felt that...
March 2009
5 posts
Watching "Terms of Endearment" in the Box Office...
Me: God, this movie is so good. Pat, come watch!
Pat Baer (standing two feet away, refusing to watch): No. I refuse.
Me: Why? Why are you denying yourself one of the greatest film experiences ever?
Pat Baer: I don't understand why you want me to watch - it would not enhance your "Terms of Endearment" experience at all?
Me: I just think it would be a nice Saturday afternoon house managing/interning thing to do. I don't understand why you are refusing on principle. If Shirley Maclaine was a ninja in this movie, would you watch then?
Pat Baer: Wow. If Shirley Maclaine played a ninja I would love to see her interpretation. Yes, I would definitely watch then.
Me: ...
Sorry for ruining television, America.
Mom: I am so excited. A really great thing happened to me today. Get ready.
Me: You went to Olive Garden with Dad?
Mom: Uch. No. That would be fun, but not exciting. Ok. Something I have dreamt about for the last 30 years happened to me today.
Me: Does this involve a young Robert Redford or Elliott Gould?
Mom: Better! Daddy and I are now a Nielsen family!
Me: Wait, you've dreamt about THAT for 30 years?
Mom: It was always a secret fantasy. It is so exciting!
Me: Basically it is still you and Dad just watching TV though, right?
Mom: Well yeah. But people are tracking what I am watching, and it will influence advertising and my opinion will truly matter.
Me: This is just not good. How did this happen?
Mom: I got something in the mail and signed up. Well, gotta go - we're about to watch Celebrity Apprentice.
I Love My Sister.
Cheryl: You know what? I'm going to stop giving unsolicited advice to people. I'm just going to keep my opinions to myself, it's not right to force my opinions on others.
Me: Wow. I think thats great.
Cheryl: Well, I'm still going to give unsolicited advice to you of course.
February 2009
9 posts
dating advice from my friend's mom.
“Today is your date day. I was reading in the paper, things not to do on a date, one of them was to not talk to people or text other people with your phone, when you are on a date. I guess plenty of people do this and it is rude.” [Ok, I think you are right Mrs. B. A bit strident with the texting, but ok, let’s remember our manners. I am on board with this.]
“Also,...
Angry Beards.
So it’s well documented I am in the midst of a slight lunch at Chipotle addiction right now. I’m a burrito guy - sue me! Today was such a day that I did in fact partake. I was on my post-Chipotle walk to Battery Park when I saw a guy on the street with a very neatly trimmed beard.
This reminded me naturally of the other guy who wasn’t Paul Reiser from My Two Dads and of...
Warning: Girl Porn below...