Banal Fixation
Need new music. What is smthg good like vampire weekend/ chamillionaire like?
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Goodbye to All That.
It’s been two years since I’ve moved to New York from California. I have loved some, lost, wept, felt exhilerating highs, then landed right back where I started. They say wherever you go, there you are. No looking back, eyes ahead. Which I have tried. It is no secret I have taken comfort on many lonesome nights and much too short lunchbreaks in the arms of Chipotle. Felt that furious passion when we (the burrito and myself) would fall into each others arms after a particularly weary day. Chipotle is like the rebound guy that you convince yourself is possibly the one and to whom you say such falsehoods as ‘I thought I was in love before, but now that I am with you, I realize I have never felt this way.’ My first love has followed me to New York.
I believe Joan Didion said it best. Quite simply, I was in love… I do not mean “love” in any colloquial way, I mean that I was in love the way you love the first person who ever touches you and you never love anyone quite that way again.
That’s right. Baja Fresh is opening this Tuesday in midtown. Will it be as sweet as I remember? If it isn’t will it validate my choice to move to New York? I don’t know. But I will find out.
Watching "Terms of Endearment" in the Box Office at UCB...
- Me: God, this movie is so good. Pat, come watch!
- Pat Baer (standing two feet away, refusing to watch): No. I refuse.
- Me: Why? Why are you denying yourself one of the greatest film experiences ever?
- Pat Baer: I don't understand why you want me to watch - it would not enhance your "Terms of Endearment" experience at all?
- Me: I just think it would be a nice Saturday afternoon house managing/interning thing to do. I don't understand why you are refusing on principle. If Shirley Maclaine was a ninja in this movie, would you watch then?
- Pat Baer: Wow. If Shirley Maclaine played a ninja I would love to see her interpretation. Yes, I would definitely watch then.
- Me: ...
Dick Butkis was a big Bear.
I have recently discovered one of my favorite shows, My Two Dads. I was watching the credits recently when I noticed that the football coach/diner manager’s name. Dick Butkus. Just say that out loud. Awesome.
I was just showing that to Pat Baer, when he alerted me that Mr. Butkus was a well known Bear. Come again? It turns out Butkus played for the Bears in the 80s.
This is what I pass by every morning on the way to work. My favorite of course, (which I am dying to take a picture of) is when two tourist types get on the ground, so they are literally being teabagged by the bull. It cracks me up everytime. Also, I blame my father for being uptight about potty humor when I was growing up. Therefore as an adult, anytime there are poop or balls involved, I can’t not laugh. Also, I will be 30 in three years, folks.
Sorry for ruining television, America.
- Mom: I am so excited. A really great thing happened to me today. Get ready.
- Me: You went to Olive Garden with Dad?
- Mom: Uch. No. That would be fun, but not exciting. Ok. Something I have dreamt about for the last 30 years happened to me today.
- Me: Does this involve a young Robert Redford or Elliott Gould?
- Mom: Better! Daddy and I are now a Nielsen family!
- Me: Wait, you've dreamt about THAT for 30 years?
- Mom: It was always a secret fantasy. It is so exciting!
- Me: Basically it is still you and Dad just watching TV though, right?
- Mom: Well yeah. But people are tracking what I am watching, and it will influence advertising and my opinion will truly matter.
- Me: This is just not good. How did this happen?
- Mom: I got something in the mail and signed up. Well, gotta go - we're about to watch Celebrity Apprentice.
I Love My Sister.
- Cheryl: You know what? I'm going to stop giving unsolicited advice to people. I'm just going to keep my opinions to myself, it's not right to force my opinions on others.
- Me: Wow. I think thats great.
- Cheryl: Well, I'm still going to give unsolicited advice to you of course.
You are welcome, facebook!
dating advice from my friend's mom.
“Today is your date day. I was reading in the paper, things not to do on a date, one of them was to not talk to people or text other people with your phone, when you are on a date. I guess plenty of people do this and it is rude.” [Ok, I think you are right Mrs. B. A bit strident with the texting, but ok, let’s remember our manners. I am on board with this.]
“Also, remember your table manners when eating on a date. One arm under the table, napkin in your lap, and you already know about talking while eating, because you are a freak about that, like Dad.” [The arm under the table should make in significantly harder to motor through said food, aren’t you supposed to eat as much and as fast as possible on dates??]
“Remember, to always cut your sandwich in half before taking a bite of it, and eat only a half at dinner, and take the other home or give it to the guy. Guys love light eaters, even if they say they don’t, it just seems more feminine.” [Oh I guess not. Ok, this is the first one I can’t really get on board with. #1. Why is it assumed there will be only sandwiches on this evening out? Must research correlation between Vietnam War-era courtship and sandwiches. #2. Also, eat only half your food to give the appearance as being a light eater as a means of seduction?? Who are we girls dating?? Gaston from Beauty and the Beast? Or douchey bankers? Men should be into girls eating. See, Mickey Rourke in 9 1/2 Weeks or any number of European or South American films. Food = Sex!] [Addendum: Though I have mentioned to my friend Adam, “what if I am supposed to have this love at first sight experience, but then I happen to be elbows deep in a Chipotle burrito at the time - effectively bonerkilling all burgeonings of young love?” Think halfsies rule should only apply to burritos, but even then - finish them, girls! Just try and eat it in a manageable way!]
“Let him get the door for you too, unless it is way out of his way or he is clueless.” [Cute!]
“Well, that is my date advice for today, and remember not to talk about other people to the guy, especially about other guys.” [Any other people at all?? Severe. Can we talk about movies or books?]
“Have fun and let me know how it went.” [Fun??]
Love,
MOM
Angry Beards.
So it’s well documented I am in the midst of a slight lunch at Chipotle addiction right now. I’m a burrito guy - sue me! Today was such a day that I did in fact partake. I was on my post-Chipotle walk to Battery Park when I saw a guy on the street with a very neatly trimmed beard.
This reminded me naturally of the other guy who wasn’t Paul Reiser from My Two Dads and of course, George Michael.
Which reminded me of this interview I read once with Jason Sudeikis where he talked about breaking up with a girlfriend once and growing an angry beard as a result.
Which of course made me think of in the past running into a couple of old boyfriends right after we broke up and seeing they did in fact, grow angry beards themselves. Only years later did I realize the phenomenon of Angry Beard-dom, and how it is in fact a part of the anger/healing process. I think it is right after convincing oneself of the healing benefits of angry meaningless sex with lots of girls, yet right before putting on that excess “I just broke up with my girlfriend, and f the world, whats the point” weight.
Which of course made me think about the best Angry Beard in the history of documented cinema. I am of course thinking of Billy Crystal’s angry beard in “When Harry Met Sally.” It is the angriest and most neatly trimmed and groomed beard of them all. You can tell that Rob Reiner wanted to convey that he felt lost and in pain, and oh-so-angry, yet still was far too neurotic to let himself go entirely. Behold the dichotomy! Soft, sensitive, cable sweater meets pure masculine facial rage. 
